I Am Totally Going to Get Hit By a Hurricane

In case you haven't been watching along at home, the entire East Coast is about to get drizzled on by Tropical Storm Hanna.

I've never been in a hurricane, or a tropical storm for that matter, so it's pretty exciting! Everything I have read indicates that I don't have anything to worry about. I am not going to stock up on food, but I did check to make sure I had matches and working flashlights.

Keep an eye on the storm -- I know I will.

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One thing you may not know is that Washington DC, and the surrounding cities, are protected from major inclement systems with a series of massive earthworks and ground support system. This system is called, "Delaware."

According to all public documents, Delaware is a state like any other. It is in reality, a gigantic buffer zone to protect vital government institutions and free museums from storms, and giant lobster invasions.

The main line of defense is thousands of box fans designed to blow away major storms. Behind that is a barren No-Man's land of land mines, concertina wire, and pots of boiling water (to frighten the lobsters). Recently installed trip lines are intended to cause hurricanes to trip and fall on their faces, as they are notoriously clumsy.

The final defense Delaware has to offer is a catapult which launches citizens of Delaware towards impending threats. While this may seem on its surface as a horrible, callous thing to do it is easily justified. In reality, Delaware's citizens are not citizens at all but specially designed clones labeled with a hexidecimal number. These clones are used as cannon fodder in the event of Lobsters, and human shields in the event of Hurricane.

Once, a Delaware clone got loose and escaped his fate on the catapult. He now goes by Floyd, and he owns a KFC franchise in Madison, Wisconsin.

Behind the mass of bristling pungee-stick lined pits that is the lonesome expanse of Delaware is the massive labyrinth built on the holdings of Maryland. More than a few hurricanes have lost their way in its seemingly endless passages. Their mournful cries can still be heard inside its echoing halls.

Don't believe me?


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